A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous. On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mas...
DEAD BMW A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She repli...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ra...
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to ...
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. ...
Okay, the gas prices here in the US are just crazy. How can $2.09 a gallon for gas EVER be a "good" deal? With gas prices so high, we all could use a lift (I mean that literally). So here are a few comics that I found I could relate with.
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment ...
A-Frame /ay'-fraym/ n.: A wave with a clearly defined, central peak that offers both a right and left takeoff. "Hey brah, the A-frames were firing up and down Jalama Beach." Barreled /bare' uld/ v. to be: The highly desirable state of tucking inside a wave and riding underneath the lip for an extended period of time before emerging back onto the open face. Synonyms: shacked; pitted Benny /beh'-nee / n.: (Archaic) A tanless tourist on the beach. Long ago, doctors believed the sun's ray...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again ...
History's Worst Typo A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent co...
1. Can you cry under water? 2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? 5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? 6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in f...
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my last bit of coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not going to permit his crew to put that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window. He ...
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she l...