If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many have a gender. For example: Freezer bags - Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them. Photocopier - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc, if the wrong buttons are pushed. Tire - Male, because it goes bald and often it's over ...

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy...

Ever wonder... 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and...

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous. On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mas...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again ...

A-Frame /ay'-fraym/ n.: A wave with a clearly defined, central peak that offers both a right and left takeoff. "Hey brah, the A-frames were firing up and down Jalama Beach." Barreled /bare' uld/ v. to be: The highly desirable state of tucking inside a wave and riding underneath the lip for an extended period of time before emerging back onto the open face. Synonyms: shacked; pitted Benny /beh'-nee / n.: (Archaic) A tanless tourist on the beach. Long ago, doctors believed the sun's ray...

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment ...

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. ...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to ...

Okay, the gas prices here in the US are just crazy. How can $2.09 a gallon for gas EVER be a "good" deal? With gas prices so high, we all could use a lift (I mean that literally). So here are a few comics that I found I could relate with.

History's Worst Typo A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent co...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ra...

DEAD BMW A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She repli...